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The struggle of “Doctor Mommy”

As I reflect back on our 152 days in the NICU I am reminded of the struggle between 2 parts of me. As a physician, the knowledge I’ve gained over the years and throughout my training was both a blessing and a curse. Early on in our course I made it clear to the staff and medical team that I just wanted to be his mother. I wanted to be treated like any other mother there. At times his nurses would apologize for fear that they were explaining things that I already knew but I would quickly remind them that I’m a Family Medicine physician and so much of what I was experiencing was out of my scope of practice. The NICU was a whole new world for me! Besides, when it’s your child, all objective thought goes out of the window at times. I made sure they knew that I was a mother first…

 

I would sit there in his room and stare at his monitors. After a while, the panic attacks started. I was so overwhelmed as I struggled to stay in my lane. I was in such a bad way that I couldn’t stay for long periods of time. The problem was, as a physician mom, I knew too much. I knew what each number meant, I knew the statistics, I knew the lab values… What was normal and what wasn’t. I was terrified. I can remember praying to God to just allow me to be his mommy. I didn’t know how much time I had with him so I needed to maximize on being mommy. I felt like I had a lifetime of being a physician but the life of my little prince was minute to minute.  I am so grateful that God granted my petition to him. I love my ministry as a physician, but I love being Langston’s Mommy more…

Langston and Mommy

 

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3 Comments

  • Reply Zimmy H

    I so love this!! *hugs* I understand what you mean about knowing what all the numbers meant from a medical standpoint, but still it being out of your control as his mother. My heart sank when you wrote that. I think it’s every mom’s worst fear seeing their child in NICU, and all that mom can do is pray. Sabriya’s 4 day stay was by far the longest 4 days of my life. You did an incredible job of expressing that prayerful joy and tumultuous angst — so many emotions that a new mom feels.

    June 29, 2017 at 2:22 pm
  • Reply Vee

    Love this! Love being able to see just how far he’s come. He has an army of people who love him and bombard heaven on his behalf every day. I hope you know that.

    What a wonderful ministry. All things work together.

    June 29, 2017 at 3:03 pm
  • Reply Sherrica

    Thank you for your transparent and heartfelt testimony:) Being a mom is my greatest accomplishment, so thank you for making my heart smile through your journey. You Rock Soror! Langston is one Blessed baby!

    June 29, 2017 at 7:33 pm
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